It Might Not Be About the Nail: The Key to Parent Conversations

Tuesday, October 24, 2017 No comments

      After being a new teacher and now mentoring new teachers, parent communication is an important topic that I feel like is often overlooked in education programs.  Yes, teachers are often taught ways to mass communicate expectations and standards, but rarely are teachers taught how to deal one-on-one with a parent concern or when a parent is upset. So, our immediate reaction is to get defensive.
     Any why not?  I feel like more and more of my job is becoming documentation of, or defending, the choices I make in my classroom.  I make notes on spreadsheets for why I chose to give students an infraction, or an office referral, or why I chose one strategy over another to teach a specific skill, like why I used a t-chart over a Venn Diagram.  The knee-jerk reaction is to get on the defensive side to once again explain our actions.  But just because defending my choices is my first reaction doesn't make it the right one.
     I had the opportunity to hear Gerry Brooks speak at the 2017 Teacher Blogger Retreat in French Lick, Indiana.  (Honestly, if you can say that town's name without laughing, you're a Hoosier!)  His whole keynote was about climate, culture, and how we create those in our classrooms.  A big chunk of that is how to create the right climate and culture with parents and guardians of our students.
     I returned to school to earn my teaching licensure after completing a degree in Communication.  One of my favorite courses was Interpersonal Communication and how we create positive communication with small groups.  One of my big takeaways was I vs. You statements, which I still use in teaching.
     You statements put someone on the defensive, like it almost corners them so that being defensive is just about their only option.  Think of it this way: a parent checks their student's grades and isn't happy.  They email you and and write, "You gave my student a C on this assignment?  Why did you give them that grade?"  It puts us in a corner.  We now have to defend why the student earned a C.  "Little Johnny earned a C because he never completed one homework assignment all quarter, after I gave him until even the 9th week of the quarter to make up everything.  He never wants to do work in my room."  Sound familiar?  Well, the "You" statement backed the teacher into a corner, and they used absolute language like "never", which will then put a parent into a corner. The problem is yes, we might have a right to say Johnny does nothing, but it doesn't mean we are right saying it.
     Brooks stated that no matter what a parent emails a teacher about, the root cause is the parent wants to know their child is safe and happy.  The C is concerning for a parent that wants their child to  make good grades, to earn scholarship money, to get into a good college, to get a great education, to better prepare themselves for a fantastic career, that will in return make them happy and safe.  A parent is angry that their child can't go on a field trip because they didn't turn in their permission slip?  Really, that parent is concerned about their child's happiness, they are not angry at the teacher.        Much like this video - it isn't about the nail, so to speak.

     When communicating with parents, it is important to think about their perspective - remember, it might not be about the nail. Don't think about how it is being said, but really listen to what is being said.  Ask for specifics and respond professionally.  Finally, remember you are never talking to just one parent.  Your conversation will be repeated at the next PTO meeting, a birthday party, the grocery store, etc.  Don't put yourself in the position where the only thing a parent might know about you comes from an angry parent.

Love and Sparkle,